Divorce and Remarriage

A lot of my blog posts have talked about how to make immediate marriages and families successful, but over 60% of families in America live in separated families. Thankfully, these numbers are slowly declining, however LDS divorces, according to my professor, are inclining.
Divorce is hard, I have had to deal with it my whole life.
I found a lot of the facts that we discussed matched my own situation of living in separated households. One of the biggest problems I faced in my other household (with my dad and stepmom) was getting along with her. She was indeed a very nice lady, but I felt uncomfortable knowing she was taking control of me and becoming a new parent. I wasn't used to it and I didn't like it. In fact, a lot of children now days can relate.
The first presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints gave a few points of advice on how to make divorces successful, though:

• It will take at least two years for the new step family to feel "normality"
• The birth-parent should be in charge of all of the heavy discipline
• The mom and dad should have open council with each other
• The step-parent should act as if they are an uncle or aunt to the new child (mostly there for play, not for discipline)

I hope these tips help your families out if you are in that 60% of separated families. I feel for the hardships of new families and I understand they are difficult times but they can be managed.

This will be my last blog post for this class. I appreciate all of the comments and support I have received for my blog. Thank you guys so much! I have enjoyed this class alloy and have learned so much. :)

Please comment in the opinions of mine and others and have a very Merry Christmas!

Abortion

For many this subject is a very hard subject to talk about, concerning the fact that it has to do with a human life. The topic is abortion.
There are two primary types of groups that deal with abortion: Pro-choice and Pro-life.
Pro-choice: believe that abortion is ok. Some say under extreme circumstances (such as rape) abortion would be ok. Others argue that abortion is ok no matter what. If a female doesn't want to get pregnant right now, she doesn't have to.
Pro-life: believe that abortion is wrong. It takes away a human life.

My opinion: I am Pro-life. From my religious perspective abortion hurts a persons spirit. The spirit of a human enters a body as spoon as the fetus is conceived... even before the heart beat. Getting rid of it at any time is wrong.
From my own everyday perspective, however...
Some females don't want a baby because they don't want scarring or they are embarrassed to admit they are sexually active (in the case of sex before marriage). Then DON'T HAVE SEX. Sorry, not sorry, it's as easy as that. Not all birth prevention methods prevent babies. Yes, they do work, but not all of the time. If a woman doesn't want a baby, she shouldn't have sex. Woman: don't make a child pay for your decisions.
As for circumstances such as rape, I still believe a female should keep the child and give it it's best opportunity at life. If adoption is necessary, then send it to an adoptive family under a closed adoption so you don't have to see the child. Don't murder an innocent human.. that's worse than rape. Also, no matter what, the child isn't what is going to make a woman remember being raped, she will remember it because it happened to her. The child doesn't change that state of mind just by simply disposing of it like it is trash.
Giving birth to a child is a divine gift that each woman has, and shouldn't be thrown away so easily. I would be so upset if I ever found out my mom even considered having an abortion with me. My life is such a great life and I deserve to live. I am glad my mom didn't take that right away from me.

Questions:
1. Are you pro-choice or pro-life? Why?
2. What would your reaction be if you found out your parents wanted to have an abortion with you?

Again, this is all in my opinion and please comment respectfully in the opinions of mine and others. Thank you! :)

Father's...

I know that many of you reading this article today do not have a father figure in the home. I also know that many of you do. This article however is for both... because this week was kind of a hard week for me in class. We wrote about the importance of fathers.
My dad was an amazing man; however, he did a lot of things that weren't so amazing. Drinking, smoking, pornography, gambling... you name it, he's probably done it. When I was two my parents divorced but my dad still remained close by. When he was in his serious drinking phases he became mean. He was not the man my mother once married, but aside from that, he was such a great guy.
1. My dad was the best dad in the world
He would take me to the Idaho Falls Snake River and feed the ducks (even though that's illegal now, whoops!) He would take me to the library to check out the Chronicles of Narnia and play on the internet for an hour, and then come back home and read to me. We would sit and play Sims or Grand Theft Auto together for hours. He would sit and watch Sailor Moon with me when I was upset. He would always tell me he loved me every time we hung up on the phone. He was always first to apologize and first to forgive. He believed in God only, but would still make sure we prayed before bed. He would buy me a $20 Bratz doll salon just because I asked for it. He would make sure we always went out and did something fun, even if it was buying a couple of 20 packs of chicken nuggets and eating until we puke or counting them to see if we could ever get the "mysterious extra nugget again."
2. My dad showed love to my mom
Before the divorce, he would bring my mom roses and notes. Even after the divorce, he still left her notes just telling her how great of a mom she was and how much he appreciated her. Even through me, I would get random "IM's" telling me that I should love my mother.
3. He was a friend
No matter what, he was always there for his friends. He always had so many and had such a quirky sense of humor that anyone was attracted to him no matter what.
4. He is my guardian angel
My dad ended up passing away from drowning in that same river he used to take me to. I was only 13 at the time. That was one of the hardest days of my life. Everyday gets harder knowing he won't be there for my graduation, my wedding, the birth of my first child, soccer games, ballet recitals,... he won't be there. But in reality, he will. He is continually watching over me and blessing me. Whenever I am sad or in doubt I can feel his love surrounding me everyday even if he is really not here. He will be at my graduation, wedding, birth of my first child, their soccer games and ballet recitals... maybe not in person,...but in spirit.
5. He taught me to be thankful
My dad was never well off. He lived a very poor life and was living in a shed/house by the time he passed away. But he never complained. Ever. He always made me believe there was more to life that I had to be grateful for: my family and my friends. He showed me what a real father was like, and to be grateful to have one that was so close to me for so long. He showed me the kind of love and compassion I want my future children to have from their father. Many children's fathers up and leave after the birth and don't have good contact with their children.
So, I am speaking to you fathers, mothers and children: This Thanksgiving be so grateful for your fathers. My heart aches for you, the families with no father in the home, and I am so happy for the ones who do have fathers in the home. But, whatever situation you are in, whether your father is always there, whether he has left your family, whether he is deceased... he brought you into this world. Try to at least reach out and tell him you love him and are thankful for him. It might not mean a lot right now but it will later. You don't realize what you have until it's gone, and even then, I still don't realize everything my dad has given me and sacrificed for me. Your father's are good men... ALL OF THEM. Give them a chance and just show them love. Unrestrictive, friendly love. They will repay you back with even more love. Before you know it (the children who don't have good relationships with their dad's) you may be able to rekindle those relationships that were once broken. Don't give up hope. I was able to do this with my father. Your father still loves you and thinks about you everyday, no matter what you may believe. You can win him back... you just have to try.

Questions:
There will be no questions today. This was a very difficult article to write, all completely my opinion, so it is all up to your own thoughts in the comment box.

Thank you so much for reading... I know it was long, but I hope it was worth it. Please comment with respect in the opinions of mine and others.


Have a Happy Thanksgiving and be grateful for your dads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Communication

This week we are discussing communication and why it is so vital in a successful family structure. Studies show that interactions between two or more people involve three different percentages of communication:

1. Verbal: 14%
2. Tone: 35%
3. Non-Verbal or Physical: 51%

Which brings us to a whopping 100% communication. As we see in these statistics, non-verbal communication is huge. This is why if a person were to say "yes" to a date, but have their head down and look upset, you know the "yes" is probably untrue.
Same goes with texting. Texting can be great for a quick memo, but can be terrible to build a relationship with. Texting is only verbal, which leaves 86% of the conversation left up to you, the reader. This is why miscommunication can be huge when texting.
When communicating we need to be able to exchange feed back from all persons involved in the conversation.
Another dealing with communication is conflict. Conflict normally has a negative connotation but can be great when handled correctly. If there is a conflict two people can find a happy medium that was probably better than the resolution of either side and it puts all feelings and issues out into the open, if the group of people are willing to sit down and handle the situation in a calm manner.

My opinion:
I completely agree with the different percentages in communication lines. They are necessary to understand when dealing with a conversation. Also, we have discussed in class that woman pick up on non-verbal cues a lot easier than men. This will be especially critical when talking with a man that I make myself as clear as possible with non-verbal actions and that I try not to over exaggerate or misread the man's body language.

Question:
1. How often do you notice these types of communication when talking to someone or a group of people?
2. Is there something you hope to change in your upcoming conversations to help avoid misreading or misinterpreting a conversation?

Please read and comment but comment with respect to mine and others opinions! Thanks!

Family Stressors

This week we learned about family stressors. Family stressors are important to understand because they happen to everyone and they happen for any period of time. They are inevitable but some are good and some are bad. Now some of you are going, "What? Stress is good?" In a way, some situations that might provide stress are good-- such as a planned marriage or a planned baby. Stressors that are bad are what we normally associate with stress, such as emotion problems, death, or addictions. These are hard things to come about but everyone deals with them differently. Coping is the definition of dealing with something, but not necessarily overcoming it. We relate coping to a "coping saw". Coping saws are used with thin blades to make precise details and fit a piece of something (such as wood) exactly into whatever it needs to be fit in. That is what we do when we emotionally cope, is we rearrange our circumstances, feelings, and states of mind to best fit into whatever is providing a stressor on the family.

My opinion: I love having the gospel in my life for this very reason. My friends and I in class actually discussed this, and having the church as a support system. The LDS community is a very service oriented one, and whenever any small or big stressor is there, you are never left abandoned. The Relief Society and Priesthood automatically step up to the plate and help you when you are feeling down.
Also, I love that I can turn to God when in times of doubt. He is always there and I can just pray my heart out about my sorrows, desires, and gratitude. Even people who aren't LDS believe in this. God is there and he is all knowing. He provides me and others faith in times of weakness and stress and I love that.

"When life gets too hard to stand, kneel."
~Anonymous~

Questions:
1. In what ways has stress formed in your life and how have you dealt with it?

Thank you so much to everyone who is reading and commenting! And please, do comment! I really enjoy reading your guys' feedback. Just comment respectfully in the opinions of mine and others. All comments are being monitored and will be deleted if they are not respectful. Thanks!

Being Loyal to Your Spouse

This post may feel repetitive, because this week is a lot like my post last week.
My opinion: Some of these factors I found very interesting and some felt like, "Well, duh. Of course we are supposed to do that." But these are some things to avoid, so that you may remain loyal to your spouse, that we listed in class:

1. Putting other things before them such as money, video games or any other worldly things (also, not putting your children before your spouse-- I named this last time but it is so incredibly true. If the children see that love between you two they will be less likely to act out and will do better in things such as getting along with friends and school. When they come first, it will make the husband feel lesser of a person and will result in a broken home, thus, a broken family)
2. Sexting
3. Keeping money spending a secret (a good way to avoid this, is put all money costs together once a week and decide what you will be spending it on-- putting most important things first such as bills, grocery budget and savings and last as fun money)
4. Making sure that when you hang out or have a work dinner or something with friends there are multiple friends with you (we stressed this extremely, because even doing something as simple as making sure your spouse is not alone with someone of the opposite gender [or same!!] but instead is with you and multiple friends, this can decrease the chance for arousal significantly)
5. Being with a close friend or family member alone also allows an increased chance for you or your significant other to "bash" or talk down on your spouse (you may say "I would never do that" but if they have been making you stressed that day, it could be very easy to want to "bash" them while they are not around)
6. Impure thoughts of someone other than your spouse
7. Dishonesty
8. Confiding in anyone other than your spouse (much like #5)
9. Pornography
10. Alcohol
11. Drugs
12. Massage parlors (this may sound weird, but going on your own to these can cause the chance for arousal)
13. Don't even get close to the line of cheating. Do everything to avoid this line. Every act of intimacy with someone other than your spouse (little or big!!) just makes it easier and easier to lead to the next act
14. For females especially, avoid chick flicks and romance novels!!! (This is very hard for me to point out, considering I love chick flicks and romance novels, but that is the very problem. Females attach emotionally and one of the biggest sources of not being loyal to your spouse is to be aroused by fantasy's. Falling in love with characters who are unrealistic and then expecting your spouse to be the same. You may not realize it, but this happens more often than you think. No one is perfect and these sort of objects have no place in the home if the wife starts "expecting" the husband to become like these fictional characters. In a very blunt way: chick flicks and romance novels are what we in class call "woman porn".)
15. Violence (which comes the root of "violation" or to "violate ones space")
16. IF there has been cheating or infidelity in the relationship, when trying to fix it, do not give details of how the other lover showed affection. It will just bring the relationship down-- instead focus on ways of how you can both prove your love and show you are now loyal to each other forever and always)

Marriage is important and marriage is worth it. Don't trap yourself into cheating. By trapping yourself, it will start out with small things, but will eventually grow bigger. Draw a clear line of how far you will go with someone other than your spouse and don't even go near that line. It will create happiness and bonds between your spouse that some people would never have even imagined possible.

Questions:
1. How much physical intimacy (hand holding, kissing, ect.) do you feel is important in marriage?
2. Do you believe that showing these signs of affection are important to do in front of your children? Why or why not?
3. What other ways do you believe help you to remain loyal to your spouse?

I appreciate all feedback but please comment in the respect of mine and others opinions. All comments are being monitored and any that do not remain respectful will be deleted.

Thank you so much for reading and commenting! You guys are wonderful!

Satisfaction in Marriage

 I would just like to begin by apologizing for how long this post is. But it is very informative and if you are married or plan on getting married, I would highly recommend reading it. Thank you! :)

My opinion: This week we learned about marital satisfaction and what contributes to marital satisfaction. We learned that sadly, as time goes on, marriage generally decreases in satisfaction. This may contribute to each individual not realizing the others habits and traditions completely. Something so small as one person leaving the bathroom clean and the other spouse not leaving it clean, can contribute to less satisfaction, because in reality, your partner isn't exactly like you.

"Well then, we will just cohabitate." Study after study has proven that cohabitation leads to a higher risk of divorce, and it actually does not, in reality, help prepare you for marriage. I understand and know people close to me whom have cohabited and this is in no way meant to offend them, it is strictly fact.

Also, as time continues on, each child born causes an increase in marital dissatisfaction. This is not because the child is the problem, per say, but that the child requires extra attention-- which may lead the father to start feeling less satisfied because he is lacking attention from the wife because the wife may be giving more attention to the baby.

How do we avoid this? Well, for class I came up with a list of five things we can do before, during, and after the birth of the first child that can generally increase marital satisfaction and make each child help the satisfaction levels either stay or grow, not decline.

1. Before the birth a woman can have the husband take part in the little parts of the child growing. Such as when the baby kicks, allow the husband to feel the tummy. In fact, encourage it. Also, make sure he is at every doctor’s appointment as possible. Make the ultrasound visits priority. This is still the parents (mom and dad) child. This child is important and needs attention even before it’s born.
2. During the delivery, make sure the husband is there through everything. He is at the wife’s side while she is giving birth. That he is there for her every need. If she needs water, a nurse, anything. The husband is fully involved. Don’t find it annoying having him constantly by your side during this process; in the end it will be more helpful than ever.
3. One thing I find super important is when the baby is first born is the face the baby looks at. Doctor’s don’t look straight at the baby because the baby naturally grows an attachment to the first face it sees when it is born. That is why babies naturally stop crying easier around their own mom, than someone else’s. The thing I stress with this is, though, that both parents be in the baby’s eyesight. Don’t allow the baby to only see the mom, or only see the dad, make sure the baby see’s two equals.
4. After the delivery make sure the father knows he is appreciated for everything he does. Many moms forget how stressful a long day at work can be. They forget that even sitting around all day can still be very tasking if there are a bunch of calls or a lot of people demanding your attention at work. The father does a lot for the family and has just as long of a day as a mother, and the mother needs to remember that. Even so much as showing how excited she is that he is home and giving him a kiss every day. Also, when the father comes home, don’t forget that the mother has been working all day too. Both parents should divide up the responsibilities equally when the father comes home. Both of you are tired, so this helps divide the stress and maybe even minimize it a little.
5. The last thing that is important is to remember to always keep the father first in the mother’s life. Yes, the child is very important and needs attention, but this can cause, in a way, envy or loneliness from the father. Both the mother and father should never go to bed angry, apologizing before hand, and they should always pray together, let each other know if they are stressed from the minute the stress is starting to appear. They should call each other every day, not text or email unless they were with each other all day. These calls allow the other spouse to hear the others voice and to be reassured that they are more important than what they are doing at the moment. A text means, “I’m busy, but I’ll try to get this out of the way.” A call shows you are willing to talk and listen to your spouse’s. Lastly, a date night once a week never hurt anyone. It allows bonding free from stresses of work, children, and other things. Plus, it may allow a family member to bond with the child a little more (such as a grandmother). Why do I stress togetherness so much? Because the child can sense when there is a lack of a relationship. Once the child starts coming before the marriage, it causes a split and makes the father feel less attention from the mother. This can lead to events such as a split or divorce. And in reality, a divorce is never good for a child. A child needs both parents to function and to get equal perspectives. A high marriage causes a high family life. The child can sense when the parents get along, which in essence creates a stronger bond with the child. The child feels safe and like the home is a place where there is peace, security and love.

 

Please be aware; however, that there was only slight declines in marital satisfaction after the marriage and birth of each child.

Questions:
1. In what ways do or will you increase your own marital satisfaction?
2. Do or have you ever cohabited? Please explain the benefits and losses from your own cohabitation experience(s)?
3. I know this is off the beaten path a little, but I am curious, will you or have you discussed ways--with your (future) partner-- in which you will:
A. Handle finances
B. Discipline your children
C. Do traditions/holidays
D. Job distribution (inside AND outside the home)
E. How much involvement your extended family will have in you and your spouse's lives?
If not too personal, please explain some of the things that helped you decide these factors.

I apologize that these questions may feel a little bit pointed towards a certain group, I-- in no way-- intended this, and would appreciate everyone's opinion, no matter what relationship status you may hold.

As always, please comment with respect in the matter of mine and others opinions. Comments are being monitored and anything that falls short of this will be deleted.
Thank you so much!

***********Reader's Note***************
Also, I'd just like to say thank you so much for all the incredible support on my blog. It has opened my eyes and helped me learn so much about different lifestyles and structures. I appreciate everything and everyone who has helped make this such a wonderful blog to come and read your comments from! Love you guys!